Showing posts with label motivation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label motivation. Show all posts

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Lousy Poetry, moving right along

do you love me? feed my sheep.
Stare out over the mountain into the mists
ten paces, the trees, twenty, a ghostly pallor
thirty silver paces away, nothing can be seen.
beneath, a city lies, shrouded in a mantle of white
invisible, though scarcely a mile below, nothing
but the ghosts of fog replying silently:
what force 
can chisel hope into shifting mercury
or forge steely faith from rusty misery
or dredge the drowning soul up from the deeps

my son, do you love me? feed my sheep.
twisting turns are motif and mythos
the advent of the city pulls at me
with its smokestack gravity, distressed
wood houses, brick buildings, sweet sugar maples
cradled in the valley and swaddled in fog.
the stars above hide, and no shepherds flock here today
even horses graze with frosty eyes -
windows golden glow with christmas trees,
and candles dance ballet -
why must the moth chase the light,
and why the firefly insists at being bright,
what can restore the broken-winged bird?
as he flies, wind fills my wings, also

child, do you love me? feed my sheep.
drafts seep and bleed through the walls
creaking with the ancient ache of ice and winter trees
the tomb is cold, encapsulated in morning light
rolling away the stone of slumber,
the world's awakening in lovely sun
you know that I love thee for thy everything -
then know
every heart, beating at once, will shake the world


A few years back, I heard someone discussing the possibility of mastering a new activity every seven years. I firmly believe this can be true, and though I also suspect I could master something far quicker, depending on the task, I realize that lives are none-so-empty. I don't find myself bored and waiting for something to do, thinking: "maybe I should start a seven-year mastery schedule." In fact, I sometimes struggle at finding time at all for all the things I want to do, and I'm freer than most.
Writing is something I've always wanted to master, though I started with a significant handicap in refusing to listen to authoritative figures and their advice regarding the topic, and only realizing that I wanted to acquire mastery over such a thing after school finished in my life. It's like wanting to have mastery of classical literature, but realizing you don't know how to read, or desiring mastery over soccer, but having to work your way through physical therapy first so you can use your legs. I want to perfect my tastes of writing, poetry, essays, story, myth, but my chopstick skills are sorely lacking.
I'm no poet, yet, in my first four months. Granted, I should give myself some slack, and allow for the full seven years for a stronger understanding of poetry and its underlying means, but I'm always hard on myself, so I won't cut myself any slack. I organized all of my poetry into a single text document and read it, and though there is improvement, it's all rather shoddy. Most especially this poem above, though I had to keep writing it because it had some ideas I craved.


But even bad poetry is poetry, and even bad writing is motivating myself to continue writing and that's steps forward. I get the mental imagery of a man struggling through the snow, every step heavier than the last, with the blizzard gusts blowing biting shards of ice into his face, but he's pressing on nonetheless. And, I hope, so do I.

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Midnight Sophistry

It's a night for useless philosophizing, and I, the eternal sophist. When it comes to actual writing, important writing, or important aspects of my own existence, I'm a bit of a perfectionist. Perhaps this stems from my competitive nature. When I watch a movie like Ender's Game, I constantly find myself thinking: "I could beat him, let me play." What arrogance is this? Who am I? But even if I couldn't, my heart would try.
But I know my motivations, and my drive, and I know, too, that if that was my heart's desire, I may very well win it, against superior forces. Such is the power of conviction.  And now, sitting here contemplating pieces I've written and examining them, I find them pierced with errors like arrows, more wholly holey than a frayed web, and less useful.
What is perfect writing? I'm stuck in a platonic mindset where the mere existence of a story implies a perfect story.What is the perfect story? What is the perfect song? Are there an infinite number of perfect stories or perfect songs? Perfect paintings, perfect sculptures or vessels, the perfect art.
Then I think to myself, can there be more than one? Two sculptures, both perfectly done?  This is a mind-bending mental-yoga-preztal seen through a bent-mirror-prism-raindrop-stainglasswindow. Because, to my thinking, unless the sculptures are 100% equally perfect, how can they both be perfect? Is perfect like infinity? The numbers between 1-2 are infinite, mathematically. What about 1-3? Double infinite? No, just infinite. But it's double the infinite as between 1-2, right? Right? So can both paintings be perfect, but one be "double perfect"?
Even if that were true, what is the most perfect perfect? Can there be one? Or, like infinity, can you always add one more? You see? A sophists night.
But instead of getting wrapped up in all the cognitive gymnastics, I'm struck by this fierce competitive desire to acquire the most perfect perfect something, whatever it is. I'll never get there; that's beyond my ken. Yet, the intense craving stirs in my gut most mightily. How can I aim for less than perfection? It's like the quote by Les Brown, famous motivational speaker: "Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars."
Oh, let me hit the moon.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

NaNoWriMo

I love testing my mettle, or, indeed, my mental metal. I used to despise games without competitors, for where was the comparison? Where was the proof that my motivation and dedication might succede beyond that of my fellows? Truly, I say fellows, and not opposition, or opponents, or "the enemy players", for that is what I intend. Only recently have I discovered the greatest opponent I have is myself. How can I become a better follower of Christ? With Christ's help against myself. How will my writing improve? Practice against my apathy or busyness. How can I be, in my day-to-day, a better person? I must model and remodel myself in the likeness of Yeshua.
It is these battles which captivate me, for they are timed. And I either lose, or I must set rules that allow victory. Consider an instance. Let's say you are addicted to a drug - morphine or something. As part of the scenario, you must carry a quantity of the drug with you at all times, and it must be accessible at any juncture for immediate use. How long can you pit yourself against that, when everything within rages to utilize that resource? This is an extreme example, but the idea is simple enough: if the ability to fail is consistently tempting you, like cookies you are not supposed to eat, sitting on your desk all day, how long can you hold out? These are the trials of the self. Motivation to avoid lying, to avoid pride, to avoid anger, and bitterness and cynicism and perniciousness. These tools lay at your disposal all the time. Motivating the self to not only avoid them, but actively seek good things - reading scripture, growing in faith, praying, loving, honesty. It is a titanic battle waged within. 
Then there are external battles as well. Motivation regarding writing and journaling and maintaining a social life throughout all these things when November comes around. This is my current skirmish. I know I'm about to disappear from the social sphere. I won't have as much time for journaling, for blogging, for writing poetry, for reading everything, for friends, for anything except novel writing and the extra writing I've assigned myself. It's a bit intimidating. It's time.


I'm frightened, sitting in the middle of perfect possibility
~Jane Kenyon


My spirit battles storming waves
drifting long at sea
Aqua eyes the catalyst
On a night smelling of jasmine tea
and snowflakes
Warmth in blankets, lamps alight
Pens inked and prepped
I write


This next month is going to pick up steam. I'm fighting the balancing act of novel writing, poetry writing, reading, friends, and work. Let the games begin.